>> PREVIOUSLY ON NIP/TUCK...
>> MARRIED?
WHAT KIND OF A JOKE IS THIS?
>> THIS ISN'T A JOKE, CHRISTIAN.
MATT AND I EXCHANGED OUR VOWS
3 DAYS AGO.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE PREGNANT.
>> YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?
>> YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE,
WHICH IS WHY I AM LEAVING.
>> WHAT ABOUT JENNA?
>> JENNA WILL BE AT RAM'S
WITH THE NANNY, AND THAT'S WHERE
SHE WILL BE STAYING WHEN I AM
NOT WITH HER.
>> MR. McNAMARA?
I'M COLLEEN ROSE. YOU HAVE
A VERY NATURALISTIC PROCESS.
>> SEANIE, I NEED YOU TOMORROW
MORNING, 6 A.M. RESHOOT.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> NO, EXCUSE ME.
I'M FREDDY PRUNE, EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER AND CREATIVE
AT HEARTSAND SCALPELS,
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
>> AND I'M SEAN'S AGENT.
NEXT WEEK YOU HAVE A NUDE SCENE.
>> BUT IT'S UNDIGNIFIED--
>> I TOLD THAT FREDDY,
FORGET IT! YOU GET TO KEEP THAT
SCRUMPTIOUS WEENIE OF YOURS
UNDER WRAPS.
HEY, COOKIE.
GOT US SOME JAMBA JUICE.
I'VE GOT BANANA BERRY
OR RAZMATAZRAZZMATAZZ
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
>> EDEN, RIGHT? ARE YOU LOOKING
FOR SEAN? I THINK HE'S HANGING
OUT WITH THE EXTRAS,
SOMEWHERE...
>> NO, ACTUALLY, I TOOK
THE STUDIO TOUR AND SNUCK AWAY.
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED IF THE BIG
STARS HAVE BEDS IN THEIR
TRAILER.
>> I AM BIG, DARLING.
>> [MOANING]
OH, DO WE HAVE ENOUGH TIME?
>> OH, THEY'LL WAIT. I RUN THIS
SHOW. IN FACT, I RUN THE WHOLE
GODDAMN NETWORK.
>> IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE?
>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY I'M HERE.
>> SEAN McNAMARA!
YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE
THE NEW STAR OF HEARTS AND
SCALPELS, THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE HERE!
>> WHAT?
>> YOU PUT THAT LITTLE BITCH UP
TO IT TO SET ME UP!
>> I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF
A SURGERY HERE.
>> HI, SEAN. WE'RE CAA,
AND WE WANT TO BE IN
THE SEAN McNAMARA BUSINESS.
>> YOU WILL NOT TAKE AWAY
MY STAR! NOT TAKE AWAY MY SEAN.
>> [MUFFLED GROANING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
COLLEEN? I'M CALLING 9-1-1.
>> I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
>> I'D RATHER STICK WITH
THE COLD PHONE CALL.
[GASPING]
>> I WANT TO LOOK YOUNGER,
LIKE I DID WHEN WE MET.
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT NEW YORK'S
ABOUT, TOO.
>> NEW YORK?
>> I ACCEPTED A POSITION AT
NYU'S TEACHING HOSPITAL.
WE'RE MOVING BACK IN 3 WEEKS.
>> SEAN, SHE'S IN V-TAC.
HER RATE'S 150.
>> CALL 9-1-1.
WE LOST HER. OLIVIA'S DEAD.
>> NEW YORK'S GONNA BE
SO STRANGE WITHOUT HER NOW.
>> YOU'RE STILL GOING?
>> MM-HMM.
>> LIZ?
>> YEAH?
>> CAN YOU STAY AWHILE?
JUST UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP?
>> [MOANING]
I'M NOT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
>> WELL, YOU ARE KIND OF.
I MEAN...NOT REALLY,
BUT SORT OF.
>> CHRISTIAN, I DON'T LIKE MEN.
I LIKE YOU.
>> I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
MOST OF THE TIME YOU DRIVE ME
BATSHIT, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY
WOMAN I REALLY TRUST.
>> SEAN...
CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT
SOMETHING?
>> LIZ WON'T BE COMING OVER
TONIGHT. SHE RESIGNED.
SHE'S MOVING BACK TO MIAMI.
>> TELL US WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF, MR. SKERRITT.
>> THE SIZE OF MY PENIS.
>> A PENIS ENLARGEMENT, GREAT.
>> NOT AN ENLARGEMENT,
A REDUCTION. I'VE GOT
A TYRANNOSAURUS PRICK.
I'M A YOGA INSTRUCTOR,
AND A FEW MONTHS AGO I WAS
AT A RETREAT UP IN BIG SUR.
IT WAS 6 WEEKS, INTENSIVE,
MY BODY REALLY STARTED TO OPEN
UP. AND ONE DAY I WAS IN PLOW,
AND I JUST STARTED SINKING
DEEPER AND DEEPER--
>> SO WAS YOUR PENIS PROHIBITING
YOU FROM ACHIEVING CERTAIN
POSES?
>> NO.
I CAN'T STOP SUCKING ON IT.
>> YOU MEAN METAPHORICALLY?
>> NO, I MEAN, I SPEND ALMOST
ALL DAY IN MY APARTMENT
WITH MY DICK IN MY MOUTH.
>> OH.
>> GIANT PENIS PLUS INCREDIBLE
FLEXIBILITY EQUALS THE BEST BLOW
JOB YOU HAVE EVER HAD.
>> SELF FELLATIO,
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
>> MR. SKERRITT, THAT'S NOT--
>> NO, NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU CAN--YOU CAN DO THAT?
>> I CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB.
AND FORGET ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP,
BECAUSE NOBODY GETS ME OFF
THE WAY I CAN.
YOU GUYS HAVE TO HELP ME.
I SPEND ALMOST EVERY WAKING HOUR
WITH MYSELF.
I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE.
BUT, IT'S A GODDAMN CURSE.
>> DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD
MAYBE SEE A THERAPIST? YOU KNOW,
TO DEAL WITH YOUR COMPULSIVE
BEHAVIOR?
>> I'VE TRIED SHRINKS. I EVEN
TRIED THE DRUGS THEY PRESCRIBE.
BUT NOTHING IS AS STRONG
AS THE IMPULSE.
LOOK, YOU GUYS STAPLE FATTY'S
STOMACHS SO THEY WON'T EAT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
>> WELL, THE DIFFERENCE IS
THERE'S NO KNOWN SURGERY FOR
A PENIS REDUCTION.
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW THAT
PROCEDURE MIGHT NOT BE IN
HIGH DEMAND.
>> SO, UM...
HOW MANY INCHES DO YOU WANT
TO LOSE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
JUST ENOUGH SO I'D HAVE TO BREAK
MY BACK TO GET A TASTE.
[GRUNTING]
2 INCHES?
>> WELL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO RESEARCH SOME OPTIONS
AND GET BACK TO YOU.
>> JUST DO IT QUICK.
I'M DESPERATE, MAN.
WILL YOU STOP WITH
THE JUDGMENTAL LOOKS? DON'T TELL
ME YOU GUYS HAVE NEVER TRIED IT.
>> THAT CLOSE.
WHAT?
>> * MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL
MAKE ME
THE PERFECT SOUL
A PERFECT MIND
A PERFECT FACE
A PERFECT
LIE *
>> LET ME BE CLEAR, KIMMY.
I WILL NEVER, EVER DO ANOTHER
SURGERY ON YOU AGAIN.
>> WELL, THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE
I LOOK AND FEEL FANTASTIC
THESE DAYS. I'M NOT THE ONE
WHO NEEDS THE TOUCH-UP.
SHE DOES.
HELLO.
>> OH, I SEE. SO YOU'VE GONE
FROM STUPID TO COMPLETELY
INSANE.
>> MAKE FUN OF ME ALL YOU WANT,
GRANDPA, BUT THANKS TO MY
TIRELESS DEVOTION, YOUR
GRANDDAUGHTER HAS JUST BEEN
SIGNED TO THE HOTTEST BABY
MODELING AGENCY IN TOWN.
BUT IN ORDER TO BOOK
THE HIGH-END CAMPAIGNS,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT HER MOUTH.
>> HER MOUTH?
>> THE STEVES, HER AGENTS--
STEVE MEYER AND STEVE FREEDMAN
SAID SHE WAS PERFECTION, RIGHT?
OTHER THAN HER THIN, VILLAINOUS
LIPS. WHICH SHE DID NOT GET FROM
MY SIDE, BY THE WAY, SO IT HAD
TO HAVE COME FROM THAT WITCH.
JULIA.
>> HEY, LINDA, DO YOU MIND STOP
PRACTICING YOUR PUTTING AND GET
YOUR BUTT IN HERE, PLEASE?
>> ARE YOU GONNA GIVE HER
THE INJECTIONS RIGHT NOW?
WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
[DOOR OPENS]
>> LOVE OF MY LIFE. WOULD YOU DO
ME A FAVOR AND TAKE LITTLE
JENNA, AND GIVE HER A FRUIT
BOWL? COME HERE, YOU SWEET
LITTLE THING. OH, MY GOODNESS.
AREN'T YOU SO SWEET? WHY DON'T
YOU GO WITH HER WHILE I HAVE
A LITTLE CHAT WITH
JOAN CRAWFORD.
>> I KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE ISSUES
WITH THIS!
>> THERE IS NOT A PLASTIC
SURGEON ALIVE WHO WOULD OPERATE
ON A BABY, INCLUDING ME.
>> THERE ARE A NUMBER OF PLASTIC
SURGEONS RIGHT HERE IN BEVERLY
HILLS WHO DO WORK ON BABIES.
>> REALLY?
NAME ONE.
>> I DON'T KNOW THEIR NAMES,
BUT I KNOW THAT THE STEVES REFER
ALL THEIR CLIENTS TO THEM.
THEY DO RESTYLANE, BOTOX, LIPO.
>> KIMBER, GET OUT.
>> ANSWER ME THIS, CHRISTIAN,
WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR HER COLLEGE
EDUCATION?
YOUR SON, THAT ZERO?
>> YOU TOUCH ONE FLAXEN HAIR
ON THE HEAD OF THAT BABY,
AND I SWEAR TO YOU, I WILL GET
CUSTODY OF JENNA.
>> CHRISTIAN...
YOU AND I HAVE GONE TO SUCH
TRAGIC LENGTHS TO FEEL LOVED
BECAUSE WE WEREN'T VALUED
AS CHILDREN.
>> [SCOFFS]
>> NOW, I AM DETERMINED TO GIVE
OUR JENNA A SHOT AT FEELING
SPECIAL, AND TO DEVELOP HER
SENSE OF SELF AND HER VALUE.
AND I WILL MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH
TO GIVE THAT TO HER, BECAUSE
NOBODY DID THAT FOR ME.
SO ARE YOU--ARE YOU ON BOARD
WITH THAT?
>> [SCOFFS]
>> [EXHALES]
>> BOTOX ON A BABY?
>> UH-HUH.
>> IT'S CRIMINAL. YOU NEED
TO GO TALK TO THOSE MODELING
AGENTS.
>> KIMBER WOULD NEVER TOUCH
JENNA NOW, TRUST ME. I'LL PUT
THE FEAR OF GOD IN HER.
>> WELL, IT'S NOT JUST FOR
JENNA. YOU HAVE A MORAL
OBLIGATION TO FIND OUT THE NAMES
OF THE QUACKS THEY'RE USING
BEFORE THEY HURT ANY MORE KIDS.
>> FINE! YOU FIGURE OUT HOW
TO TURTLE MR. SKERRITT'S DONG,
AND I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.
>> WELL, THE PRINCIPAL WOULD
JUST BE THE INVERSE OF
THE FUNDITORY AND SUSPENSE
RELIGAMENT RELEASE WE DO
FOR A PENIS ENLARGEMENT.
>> MAKES SENSE. TIGHTEN THE
LIGAMENTS, SHRINK THE WANG.
>> YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IF LIZ WERE HERE,
SHE'D BE GIVING US A LECTURE
RIGHT NOW ABOUT
HOW MR. SKERRITT'S
COMPULSIVE SELF-FELLATING
IS JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF OUR
NARCISSISTIC SOCIETY.
>> TELL ME ABOUT IT. ISN'T IT
NICE NOT TO HEAR HER VAGINA
MONOLOGUES ANYMORE? I TELL YOU,
SCREW LIZ. SHE WALKED OUT ON US.
>> NO, SHE WALKED OUT ON YOU.
HOW CAN SOMEONE AS SELF-INVOLVED
AS YOU NOT SEE THAT THIS IS ALL
YOUR FAULT?
>> I ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY,
WHICH IS WHY I'M TAKING CARE
OF FINDING A REPLACEMENT.
I TALKED TO A HEADHUNTER
YESTERDAY, AND HE'S ALREADY SENT
OVER A STACK OF RESUMES.
>> UH-HUH. AND WHAT
QUALIFICATIONS DID YOU GIVE HIM?
MUST HAVE BIG TITS
AND A WILLINGNESS TO GIVE
BLOW JOBS?
NO. YOU PUT THE RESUMES ON MY
DESK, OK? I'M NOT GETTING STUCK
WITH SOME MEDIOCRE DOCTOR JUST
BECAUSE SHE HAPPENS TO BE
A NICE PIECE OF ASS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
UM, WELL...
LET'S, UH...
[MURMURING]
UH, IF I MAY ASK, THEODORA...
>> CALL MY TEDDY.
>> TEDDY...
WHO IS HARLEY?
>> THAT'S MY HOG.
[LAUGHS] IT'S A MOTORCYCLE.
I RACE IN THE DESERT.
>> OH. THAT WOULD EXPLAIN
THE MOTTO ON YOUR OTHER ARM.
>> [LAUGHS]
I GOT THAT AFTER A WILD NIGHT
AT COACHELLA. MMM.
>> AND HOW DO YOUR PATIENTS
REACT TO THESE UPLIFTING
TATTOOS?
>> I'VE ONLY EVER GOTTEN
COMPLAINTS FROM OTHER
PHYSICIANS. UPTIGHT OLD FARTS.
>> YEAH.
WELL, DR. ROWE--AHEM--
YOU CERTAINLY LIKE TO LIVE
DANGEROUSLY.
>> MMM, I LIKE TO LIVE, PERIOD.
LOOK, I AM VERY GOOD AT WHAT
I DO. TO GET THIS JOB, DO I NEED
PERMISSION FROM YOU TO BE
WHO I AM? IF SO, LET ME KNOW
NOW. I'M OUT THE DOOR.
>> UH, YOU WERE FIRST IN YOUR
CLASS AT UCLA?
>> I CHEATED.
KIDDING.
>> [BOTH CHUCKLE]
>> I JUST HAPPEN TO PICK THINGS
UP PRETTY FAST.
>> YOU'RE LUCKY.
>> MAYBE. MAYBE I JUST GET BORED
QUICKLY.
>> I SEE. SO...WHAT GUARANTEE
DO I HAVE THAT YOU'LL STAY
IF WE HIRE YOU?
>> [LAUGHS] THERE ARE NO
GUARANTEES IN LIFE, DOCTOR.
BUT I DO PROMISE IF I TAKE
THE JOB, I WILL ONLY TAKE IT
IF I FIND THE PLACE INTERESTING.
>> MM-HMM. AND, UH, HOW--
HOW DO WE SEEM SO FAR?
>> SO FAR, SO GOOD.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
>> UH, YOUR VITAE IS CERTAINLY
OUTSTANDING, SO--
>> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU FIND
INTERESTING?
>> WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE INTERVIEWING ME?
>> [LAUGHS]
I AM.
>> OH, MY. SHE SAID GRANDDADDY
HAD GOOD GENES, BUT WE'RE
TALKING EXTRA SPECIAL GENES.
>> [CHUCKLES] I DON'T KNOW IF
KIMBER'S FILLED YOU IN, BUT
SHE'S GETTING IN ON THE GROUND
FLOOR OF A BILLION DOLLAR
INDUSTRY--MAKE-UP, ACCESSORIES,
AND OF COURSE, FASHION.
ARMANI, GUCCI. EVERYBODY WANTS
IN, EVERYBODY'S PAYING.
WE THINK JENNA CAN BE THE NEXT
BABY CINDY CRAWFORD.
>> SO WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK
ABOUT CHANGING HER?
>> DR. TROY, IN THEATRICAL
PARLANCE, JENNA HAS THIN,
VILLAINOUS LIPS.
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT LOOK
ON BABIES. THEY LIKE FULL,
BEE-STUNG, SENSUAL LIPS.
>> THAT IS REALLY SICK.
>> TRY TO THINK OF IT
IN ANOTHER WAY. YOU WERE
CIRCUMCISED, I PRESUME?
WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF SCARRED
OR TRAUMATIZED BY THAT
PROCEDURE? PROBABLY WHAT SCARRED
YOU WAS MORE ABOUT BEING
MISUNDERSTOOD OR UNLOVED
BY YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
>> THAT'S A GOOD ANSWER, STEVE,
THAT'S VERY GOOD. HA HA HA.
SO WHO YOU GO TO, BABY PLASTIC
SURGEONS? I'M CURIOUS IF I KNOW
ANY OF THEM.
>> WE DON'T DISCLOSE THAT
INFORMATION.
>> I'M--I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT WE
CAME HERE TODAY BECAUSE YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN JENNA'S FUTURE.
>> RIGHT, YEP.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
>> IT'S THE BABY DIOR PEOPLE.
THEY WANT TO BOOK LITTLE AMBER
FOR THE FALL COLLECTION.
>> MMM!
>> HELLO, MARY, WE'RE THRILLED.
WHAT'S THE OFFER?
WE'RE LOOKING FOR 5 DIGITS,
MARY. 10,000 A DAY.
>> 10,000! I HAD TO DO ANAL FOR
THAT KIND OF MONEY.
>> A LIMO WITH A FULLY STOCKED
BAR FOR MOM AND ALL WARDROBE
BECOMES PROPERTY OF BABY AMBER.
LOVE YOU, MARY. STEVIE SENDS
KISSES. SO...WHERE WERE WE?
>> WHAT TYPE OF AUGMENTATION DID
BABY AMBER RECEIVE?
>> SHE WAS A SCOWLER.
THERE'S CUTE CRYING, YOU KNOW,
WITH THE TENDER LITTLE TEARS,
AND THEN THERE'S ANGRY, SCOWLY
CRYING. PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT.
SO SHE WAS GIVEN A LITTLE
BENADRYL LOLLY TO KEEP HER CALM,
AND 4 UNITS OF BOTOX.
>> SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
BEFORE THE BOTOX.
SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL NOW.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, NOW HER
COLLEGE FUND IS FULL.
>> [LAUGHS]
>> HEY, STEVES, COULD YOU TELL
CHRISTIAN HOW HORRIBLE
AND DEMEANING CATALOG WORK IS?
YOU KNOW, THE KIND THAT YOU SAID
THAT JENNA WOULD ONLY BOOK IF
SHE DIDN'T DO THE LIP FILLER.
>> IT ONLY PAYS ABOUT 275
A DAY. AND BE PREPARED TO WAIT
IN HALLWAYS WITH A SEA OF SNOTTY
TOTS AND POORLY-GROOMED MOMS.
>> HMM.
I'M ONTO YOU GUYS.
>> HMM?
>> WHY ACTUALLY GO OUT
AND HUSTLE WHEN YOU CAN BEAT
THE COMPETITION WITH CHEMICALS?
COME ON, KIMMY.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
WE ARE NOT SHARING JENNA'S
FORTUNE WITH THESE LAZY
SCUMBAGS. I'LL BE HER MANAGER.
>> GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
>> OH, SEAN BEAR!
[MOANING]
OH!
OH...
OH, MAN.
I COULD USE A CIGARETTE RIGHT
NOW. OR A JAMBA JUICE.
>> YOU'RE INSATIABLE, COLLEEN.
>> YOU'RE WHAT FILLS ME UP,
SEANIE BEAR. YOU, AND YOUR
SCRUMPTIOUS, SUPER-SIZED WEENIE.
>> OH. [CHUCKLES]
LET'S DO IT ONE MORE TIME BEFORE
WE EAT, OK? I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
HIT AN E FLAT. THEN YOU CAN
RUN OUT TO HOOTERS, YOU CAN PICK
ME UP SOME HOT WINGS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> OH, HOOTERS. OH, MY GOD.
>> YEAH?
>> AIDAN, THIS IS INSANE.
>> I KNOW. I WROTE THE SHIT
OUT OF THAT SCRIPT.
>> NO, NO, NO. IT'S COMPLETELY
INACCURATE. I NEVER SLEPT WITH
COLLEEN.
>> OH, THAT'S ARTISTIC LICENSE,
DUDE. IT'S CALLED INCREASING THE
STAKES, RAISING THE DRAMA.
WHAT WE'RE DOING IS WE'RE TAKING
THE VIEWER ON A JOURNEY, SEAN.
KEEP READING,
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.
>> [CHUCKLES]
>> NO, JULIA. I SAID NO,
GODDAMNIT! YES, I SCREWED A HOT
TEEN, BUT I'M NOT LOSING
MY CHILDREN OVER IT.
THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL GET CUSTODY
OVER MY CHILDREN IS OVER
MY DEAD BODY, WOMAN!
DAMNIT!
[GROANING]
OH, WHY, WHY?!
[SOBBING]
HEY, CHRISTIAN, I DIDN'T SEE YOU
THERE, BUDDY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY, PARTNER?
ROUGH ONE, HUH? YEAH, ME TOO.
OH, I GOT A FACE TRANSPLANT
AT 7 A.M. I BETTER HIT THE SACK.
DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE.
>> YOU KILLED CHRISTIAN?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH
HIS CHARACTER ANYMORE.
>> [WHISTLING]
[GASPS]
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
COLLEEN!
OH, MY--
>> I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING,
COOKIE.
>> OH--AH!
>> HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME
FOR THE CIA?!
>> THE CIA? I LEFT COLLEEN
FOR CAA!
>> I KNOW. HOW COOL IS IT THAT
I MADE YOU A SPY?
WHAT'S THE BIG DIFF, ANYWAY?
CIA, CAA. COME ON, THEY'RE BOTH
BIG AND SCARY AND THEY THINK
THEY RULE THE WORLD.
>> NO. I'M NOT SELLING YOU
THE RIGHTS TO MY STORY, NO WAY.
>> LOOK, SEAN. YOU OWE ME, DUDE.
EVER SINCE I GOT OUT OF SEX
REHAB BECAUSE OF YOUR LITTLE
SET UP WITH EDEN--
>> HEY, LOOK, I DIDN'T
SET YOU UP--
>> DON'T EVEN GO THERE, SEAN.
DON'T EVEN GO THERE. NEXT THING
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T GET A JOB.
FREDDY REPLACES ME WITH
RICKY SCHROEDER. I AM DEPRESSED.
AND I SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
SCREW HIM, I'M COSTNER, MAN.
I'M A TRIPLE THREAT. I WRITE
THIS SCRIPT ON SPEC, LIFETIME.
THE NETWORK PICKS IT UP.
THE FAIRCHILD ATTACHES HERSELF
TO PLAY COLLEEN. COME ON, SEAN!
THIS IS MY COMEBACK! DEADLY
TIGHTROPE: THE SEAN McNAMARA
STORY. [SIGHS] IT'S MY DANCES
WITH WOLVES, MAN.
>> NO.
>> I'M GIVING MYSELF TO YOU,
SEAN. I'M SACRIFICING MYSELF
FOR YOU. I'M UNARMED. WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO? WE'RE GONNA KILL
SOME INDIANS?
>> AIDAN? NO.
>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO KILL THEM,
NO. WE'RE GOING TO HELP THEM.
YOU'RE GOING TO READ IT.
JUST READ IT, SEAN. JUST READ
THE WHOLE THING. THE ENDING'S
AMAZING.
THEN WE'LL TALK. I'LL CALL YOU
IN THE A.M., OR YOU CALL ME.
I'LL LET YOU SLEEP ON IT.
I LOVE YOU. SEE YA.
[BABIES CHATTERING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
>> MAYBE SHE NEEDS SOME FOOD.
WE'VE BEEN HERE OVER AN HOUR.
>> NO, I'VE FED HER TWICE
ALREADY. I'M JUST TRYING TO KEEP
HER FROM NAPPING. SHE'S HOT.
HONEY, DO YOU WANNA PLAY PATTY
CAKE? NO?
>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
EXCUSE ME, MISS? MISS, EXCUSE
ME. WHY DID THAT LADY JUST GO
STRAIGHT IN THERE?
WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE NOON.
>> SHE HAD AN APPOINTMENT.
>> AN APPOINTMENT! WE HAD
AN APPOINTMENT AN HOUR AGO.
>> YOU'RE NOT WITH THE STEVES,
ARE YOU? THEY ALWAYS GET IN
FIRST.
[BABIES CHATTERING]
>> OH, THAT IS BULLSHIT!
COME ON, KIMBER, WE'RE GOING IN.
LET'S GO. GET THE KID,
WE'RE GOING IN.
>> I'M SORRY, SIR, WE STILL HAVE
ONE MORE MOM WE'RE WAITING FOR--
>> LISTEN, LADY. THEY'RE NOT
GOING TO GET THE JOB. WE ARE.
HMM?
>> WOW. THIS IS SO HOLLYWOOD.
SEE, HONEY, LOOK. THAT'S CALLED
A FAKE BEACH.
>> HI. I'M CHRISTIAN TROY.
I'M THE LITTLE STARLET'S MANAGER
AND THIS IS KIMBER HENRY,
HER MOTHER.
>> NEXT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> NOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
HAVE RECEPTION SHOW
THE NEXT ONE IN.
>> IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S TOO FAT?
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T NEED TO EAT
THE DAY OF THE SHOOT.
>> YOU CAN'T JUST DISMISS US
LIKE THAT. SHE'S THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL YOU'VE SEEN
ALL DAY.
>> 'FRAID NOT.
THANKS FOR COMIN'.
>> THIS THING'S FOR THOSE
SUNGLASSES, RIGHT? OVER HERE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, COME ON, SWEETIE.
SHOW THIS LADY. HEY, LOOK,
THE KID IS A STAR. HUH?
>> YOU WANT THE HONEST TRUTH?
COVER HER EARS, SWEETIE.
YOU'LL NEVER GET HER A NATIONAL
CAMPAIGN. NOT WITH THOSE THIN,
VILLAINOUS LIPS.
[MONITOR BEEPING]
[OH YEAH BY YELLO PLAYING]
>> * OH, YEAH,
OH, YEAH,
OH, YEAH *
>> THAT'S MY JOB.
>> SINCE WHEN IS THE
ANESTHESIOLOGIST NOT ALLOWED
TO SEE THE PATIENT'S BODY?
>> I WOULD JUST PREFER IT IF WE
FOLLOWED PROTOCOL.
>> OH, MY GOD IN HEAVEN!
LINDA, GET OVER HERE.
>> LINDA, YOU STAY RIGHT WHERE
YOU ARE. TEDDY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
>> WHY WOULD A GUY WRITE "NAM"
ON HIS DICK? HE LOOKS WAY TOO
YOUNG TO HAVE EVER SERVED OVER
THERE.
>> [SIGHS]
WELL...
IT DOESN'T SAY "NAM," OK?
>> NAMASTE.
>> NAMASTE HOME AT NIGHT
AND PLAY WITH THAT THING,
OH, YEAH.
>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
>> I'VE GOTTA GET A PICTURE
OF THIS FIRST.
>> NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THAT'S UNETHICAL.
>> THEN I WON'T ASK YOU TO TAKE
IT. YOU DO IT, LINDA.
>> IT'S NOT FUNNY, TEDDY.
>> OH, SEAN, RELAX. NO ONE
WILL FIND OUT. OK.
>> AH, GIVE ME THAT.
>> NOW I KNOW WHY LINDA SAID
THE OTHER GUY'S THE FUN ONE.
>> FINE.
I'LL GET IN THERE. YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT A TIGHT ASS, YOU KNOW?
I CAN KICK BACK.
>> UH-HUH. STRETCH IT OUT.
I'LL DO IT.
>> OK, THAT'S GREAT. FANTASTIC.
COME ON, SMILE. GET DOWN,
OH, YEAH. OH, GUYS, THAT'S
FANTASTIC. I LOVE THAT ONE. OH,
MY GOD. ONE MORE. COME ON,
JUST--
>> HOLY SHIT! WHOA! TAKE ONE OF
ME WITH THAT MONSTER!
>> AIDAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING HERE?!
>> I'M SHADOWING YOU, BRO.
FOR THE MOVIE.
>> PERFECT.
>> OH, WAIT, GET ONE OF ME WITH
MY LIPS ON IT. WAIT, MAYBE THAT
WOULD MAKE ME GAY.
>> WE JUST TOOK A PICTURE
FOR OUR MEDICAL RECORDS, OK?
>> OH, ALL RIGHT. BUT WHAT IS
HE? IS HE LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK?
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
IT.
>> A YOGI, ADDICTED TO SUCKING
HIMSELF OFF.
>> WOW. GOD, IF I COULD DO THAT,
I SWEAR, I WOULD NEVER WATCH TV.
HEY, LET'S SEE HOW LONG
IT CAN GET.
>> THAT'S ENOUGH.
>> DON'T--DON'T--YOU'RE
SUFFOCATING HIM. OH, HEY, DID
YOU READ THE SCRIPT YET?
THE LAST SCENE?
>> I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN HAVING A MOVIE
MADE ABOUT MY LIFE. AND THAT
SCRIPT IS FULL OF LIES.
>> WELL, SO WHAT? COME ON,
AT THE END OF IT, YOU COME OUT
LOOKING AMAZING, SEAN. THE LAST
SCENE, SEAN, WHEN YOU READ IT,
YOU'RE THE HERO. YOU OFF
COLLEEN, YOU SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER.
I MEAN, WHAT ELSE COULD YOU
WANT?
>> AND DON'T FORGET THE NUCLEAR
BOMB UNDER THE OPERATING TABLE.
>> THAT'S--YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
>> MMM.
>> EASY LIFT.
>> THAT'S IT.
>> WELL, IT'S AN EASY LIFT.
>> NO, THIS NEGOTIATION IS OVER.
THAT'S IT. OUT, OUT.
>> WHAT?
WELL...
YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T LIKE
YOUR FANCY COSTUMES, ANYWAY.
AND YOUR--AND YOUR MEDICAL
JARGON, YOUR FANCY TALKS.
DOESN'T EVEN FIT ME!
NONE OF THIS FITS ME!
>> I'M GONNA SCRUB UP.
PREP HIM.
[JENNA CHATTERING]
>> [EXHALES]
>> COLLAGEN'S A NATURAL
SUBSTANCE. I MEAN, BABIES GET
THEIR EARS PIERCED, RIGHT?
I MEAN, DO YOU CONSIDER THAT
CHILD ABUSE? NO. COME ON,
DO IT.
>> [SCOFFS]
>> [JENNA CHATTERING]
>> NO. I'M NOT DOING THIS.
[OPENS DOOR]
>> YOU ARE A STUPID WIMP JUST
LIKE YOUR PATHETIC SON.
[SIGHS]
[EXHALES]
>> [JENNA CHATTERING]
>> TO BABY JENNA.
>> TO BABY BURBERRY.
>> TO MY NEW BEST FRIENDS.
RIGHT?
CHEERS.
[GLASSES CLINKING]
>> [GROANING]
>> WHOA, DUDE.
WATCH IT, YOU'RE GONNA STRAIN
YOUR MILK, BUDDY.
>> OH, IT'S OK. STRETCHING
HELPS THE CIRCULATION.
I'LL HEAL UP FASTER.
HMM. ARE YOU HERE TO CHECK
MY STITCHES?
>> UM...
[CHUCKLES]
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,
BUT I'M NOT REALLY A DOCTOR.
>> OH, OK. I'M SORRY.
WHO ARE YOU?
>> GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE
ASHRAM, BUDDY. WATCH SOME
TELEVISION. SERIOUSLY.
>> I CAN'T. I DON'T OWN ONE.
>> YOU--NEITHER WOULD I IF I
WERE SWINGING YOUR CLUB.
OH...
>> I GUESS DOCTOR-PATIENT
CONFIDENTIALITY DOESN'T MEAN
SHIT AROUND HERE.
>> NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE
RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, YOUR DOCTOR, SEAN
McNAMARA, NARCISSISTIC PRICK.
YEAH. HE'S A RUINER OF LIVES.
I'VE OBSERVED THIS FIRSTHAND.
I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING HIM IN
ANTICIPATION OF A TELEVISION
EVENT I'M ABOUT TO FILM.
I WAS THERE WHEN HE SNAPPED
A PHOTO OF YOUR SUPER DICK.
>> WHAT?
>> YEAH, HE DID.
I AM A PHENOMENAL ACTOR.
AND EVEN I COULDN'T HIDE MY
DISTASTE AT HIS DESPICABLE
ACTIONS.
>> WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!
>> WHY WOULD HE? THAT'S A GREAT
QUESTION. I DON'T KNOW,
WHY WOULD HE? IS HE JEALOUS?
IS HE?
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> IS HE JEALOUS
OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN GIFT,
YOUR BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL GIFT?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S POSSIBLE.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
>> OK...
DOES HE STILL HAVE THE PICTURES?
>> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY,
I AM ON YOUR SIDE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> I AM ON YOUR SIDE. WE ARE
GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
WE'RE GONNA FIGURE--YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
>> NO, WHAT?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO CASH IN.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU GUYS TAKE
A VOW OF POVERTY OR SOMETHING,
RIGHT? ALL YOU OWN
IS A PAIR OF SWEATY SHORTS
AND AN INCENSE BURNER,
AM I RIGHT?
CASH IN!
>> OH, MY GOD. I SHOULD
GET A LAWYER.
>> YES, YES! YOU SHOULD GET
A LAWYER. YOU SHOULD GET
A LAWYER, YOU SHOULD SUE
THE PANTS OFF THEM.
NOW TEACH ME HOW YOU DID IT,
MYAGI.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
>> ...YOUR HANDS ON IT,
LOOKS GOOD.
>> AND THE ARMS. [CHUCKLING]
>> PUT DOWN THAT COFFEE CUP.
YOU DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOU'RE FIRED.
>> YOU CAN'T FIRE HER.
>> I CAN DO WHATEVER I GODDAMN
LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO VIOLATING
THE RULES OF THE AMERICAN BOARD.
ONE OF WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE
TAKING PORNOGRAPHIC PHOTOGRAPHS
OF A PATIENT UNDER ANESTHESIA.
I JUST GOT AN EARFUL FROM SUCK
ME OFF IN THERE, AND HE'S
THREATENING TO GET A LAWYER.
>> AIDAN.
>> SO YOU DID. YOU ACTUALLY TOOK
A SEARS FAMILY PICTURE
OF YOU TWO AND THAT GUY'S DICK.
THAT IS JUST NOT FUNNY.
>> YES, IT IS.
>> NO, IT'S NOT!
>> LOOK, IT WAS TERRIBLE WHAT WE
DID, OK? WE WEREN'T THINKING.
BUT IT WASN'T MEANT FOR
PUBLICATION. WE WERE JUST TRYING
TO RELIEVE THE STRESS OF BEING
SNAKE-WRANGLERS.
>> [BOTH CHUCKLING]
>> WHEN DID I BECOME
THE RESPONSIBLE ONE? DO YOU
REALIZE HOW UGLY THIS COULD GET?
>> OH, RELAX, THERE IS NO
EVIDENCE. I ERASED
ALL THE PICTURES.
THIS GUY IS A YOGA TEACHER.
HE LIVES OFF CANNED LENTILS.
THROW HIM A BONE.
HE'LL LEAVE HERE THINKING
HE WON THE LOTTERY.
>> I DON'T WANT TO RELAX,
SWEETHEART. OK? AND WHERE AM I
GONNA GET THIS BONE FROM?
PETTY CASH?
>> WE COULD SELL A PAIR
OF YOUR SHOES.
>> [CHUCKLES]
>> OH, YEAH, THAT'S REAL FUNNY.
YOU HIRED HER. YOU FIX THIS.
>> [BOTH LAUGHING]
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE.
>> SORRY, IT IS.
>> IT IS, IT'S TERRIBLE.
WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT.
>> SORRY.
>> [DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[FOOTSTEPS]
>> YOU EATEN YET?
WELL, THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT
HERE. SO I WAS GONNA GRAB SOME
DINNER. YOU WANT TO COME?
>> NOPE. I ORDERED CHINESE
FOR ME.
>> OH, COME ON.
LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENED. IT WAS STUPID
AND IMMATURE, AND HOW CAN I BE
TALKED INTO SOMETHING THAT WAS
JUST SO MUCH FUN?
HEY, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
I CUT LOOSE? BEFORE JULIA LEFT?
OH.
MAYBE I'M JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO
GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HAVING FUN.
MAYBE YOU REACH A CERTAIN AGE,
AND FUN JUST ISN'T WHAT LIFE'S
ABOUT. CERTAINLY HASN'T BEEN
WHAT MY LIFE'S ABOUT.
[DOOR OPENS]
>> WHAT THE--
>> HURTS, DOESN'T IT? PROBABLY
NOT AS BAD AS WHEN YOU STUCK
A NEEDLE INTO MY DAUGHTER'S
MOUTH!
>> JESUS.
>> WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG
WITH YOU?
>> OH, DON'T WORRY, IT'S STERILE
AND THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.
VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE CRAP
YOU SHOT INTO JENNA'S LIPS
SO SHE COULD SIGN SOME MODELING
CONTRACT.
>> DID YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT?
>> OH, OF COURSE NOT!
>> STOP LYING, MAN! I JUST
PICKED HER UP FROM A PLAY DATE
AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT
A DAMN INNERTUBE IN HER UPPER
LIP! THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER,
CHRISTIAN, HOW COULD YOU DO
THAT?
>> IT WASN'T ME, YOU ASSHOLE.
DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT KIMBER?
WHERE'S YOUR PHONE?
>> I SWEAR TO GOD--
>> SHUT UP!
[DIALING]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT, MATT?
I'M SHOPPING.
>> IT'S CHRISTIAN ON
SPEAKERPHONE WITH MATT SO HE CAN
HEAR. WHO THE HELL DID YOU GET
TO SHOOT UP MY GRANDDAUGHTER?
>> BOTH OF YOU NEED TO CALM
DOWN. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH JENNA. HER LIPS ARE FUN.
I'M THE ONE WHO GAVE HER
THE SHOT.
>> YOU DID WHAT?!
>> WELL, I'VE BEEN INJECTED
A THOUSAND TIMES. I KNOW
WHERE TO AIM AND I KNOW HOW HARD
TO SQUEEZE. IT'S COMPLETELY
SAFE. I SIMPLY BORROWED
THE SUPPLIES FROM CHRISTIAN
WHEN HE REFUSED TO DO IT,
AND NOW JENNA'S A STAR.
>> KIMBER, ALLEY CATS WHO DUMP
THEIR LITTERS IN GUTTERS
MAKE BETTER MOTHERS THAN YOU.
>> OH, WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU
SUE ME, MATT? OH, WAIT, ON
SECOND THOUGHT YOU BETTER NOT,
BECAUSE I'LL HAUL YOUR ASS INTO
COURT FOR THE MONTHS YOU'RE
BEHIND ON JENNA'S CHILD SUPPORT.
WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP
AND SAY THANK YOU?
>> WHAT--THANK YOU FOR WHAT?
>> YOUR DAUGHTER IS ONLY
18 MONTHS OLD AND SHE'S ALREADY
MORE OF A SUCCESS THAN YOU'LL
EVER BE. BE GRATEFUL.
>> [SIGHS]
I'M SORRY I STABBED YOU.
>> DON'T POP ANY CHAMPAGNE CORKS
JUST YET, AIDAN. I'M NOT SAYING
YES. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT THE NUMBERS MIGHT BE.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL CALL YOU.
AIDAN SAYS THEY'RE WILLING TO
PAY 300,000 FOR THE RIGHTS,
AND ANOTHER 50 TO CONSULT ON
THE PRODUCTION.
>> HOLY SHIT.
>> YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW.
IF YOU COULD HAVE READ THIS
SCRIPT, IT IS TERRIBLE.
>> SO HAVE THEM HIRE SOMEONE
ELSE TO REWRITE IT. OR DON'T,
WHO CARES?
>> I CARE. I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
MY IMAGE MISREPRESENTED.
I'VE PERFORMED SOME OF THE MOST
INTERESTING SURGERIES OF ALL
TIME.
>> OF ALL TIME?
SEAN, YOU SHOULD GO HANG OUT
WITH MR. SKERRITT, YOU TWO HAVE
SO MUCH IN COMMON. YOU BOTH LIKE
BLOWING YOURSELVES.
>> I DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO
THIS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE PRESSURES I'M UNDER.
TRYING TO RAISE 3 KIDS,
TRYING TO SAVE UP,
BUY A PLACE OF MY OWN.
>> AND YOU'RE WILLING TO TURN
DOWN $350,000? YOU WALK AROUND
HERE LIKE YOU HAVE A CAMERA ON
YOU, MR. PERFECT. THE DIRTY
SECRET IS, NO ONE CARES.
TAKE THE CASH, GIVE HALF OF IT
TO MANNY SKERRITT AND BLOW
THE REST ON A TRIP TO VEGAS.
STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW OTHER
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO REACT TO
YOU, AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
>> REALLY. IT'S THAT SIMPLE?
>> IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
>> TELL US WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF.
>> [SCOFFS]
UH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T
LIKE ABOUT L.A., BRO--
DOING 95 DOWN SUNSET'S
AGAINST THE LAW.
>> WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NECK,
AIDAN?
>> OH, HEH, FUNNY STORY.
I WAS, PHHTT, I WAS OUT BIRD
DOGGING WITH MY GREATEST BRO,
PATTY D...DEMPSEY. AND PAPARAZZI
STOPS US AT A STOPLIGHT,
AND THEN, UH, WE PEELED OUT WHEN
THE LIGHT CHANGED. GOT SOME
DISTANCE ON THOSE JERKS,
AND THEN, UH, PHHTT,
MY MASERATI HITS AN ICE PASS.
AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
WE'RE SLAMMED AGAINST A PHONE
POLL AT BEVERLY GLEN. SO WEIRD.
>> YOU HIT AN ICE PATCH
ON SUNSET BOULEVARD?
>> YEAH. YEP.
ANYWAY, BROKE MY NECK.
>> WAIT, DOES THIS MEAN THAT
DEADLY TIGHTROPE: THE SEAN
McNAMARA STORY IS NOT
HAPPENING? DO I HAVE TO GIVE
THE MONEY BACK?
>> JESUS, SEAN, IS IT ALWAYS
ABOUT YOU? I BROKE MY NECK.
THE PRODUCERS PUSHED THE START
DATE. IT WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD
THING FOR ME, BECAUSE I CAN
REWRITE THE SCRIPT AND, YOU
KNOW, MAKE IT BETTER, MORE
HONEST, MORE REAL. YOU KNOW, GET
RID OF ALL THAT BORING BULLSHIT
WITH THE--SNAPS--WHAT'S HER
NAME, UM...
>> JULIA?
>> JULIA AND THE KID.
LET'S MAKE IT MORE ABOUT MY
CHARACTER, YOU KNOW? REALLY
FLESH IT OUT. WORKSHOP IT.
>> SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
AIDAN?
>> WELL, I GET THESE THINGS OUT
TOMORROW, AND I KNOW THAT
THEY'RE GONNA LEAVE A NASTY SCAR
RIGHT AT MY TEMPLES.
>> WELL, THAT'S EASY. I THINK WE
CAN FIT YOU IN FRIDAY MORNING.
>> OH, GREAT. THAT'S PERF--
YEAH, I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
[EXHALES]
WHICH REMINDS ME, OH, UM...
UH...
UH, YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M UNDER,
YOU GUYS WOULDN'T MIND ADDING
A COUPLE INCHES IN MY PANTS?
>> YOU WANT A PENIS ENLARGEMENT?
>> WELL, UNLESS YOU CAN LENGTHEN
MY TONGUE. [LAUGHS]
>> YOU BROKE YOUR NECK TRYING TO
SUCK YOUR DICK, DIDN'T YOU?
>> [LAUGHS]
WHAT?
WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?
THAT'S--WHAT ARE YOU--
THAT'S JUST--[CHUCKLING]
I CAN'T KEEP THE CHARADE UP.
UM...
[SIGHS]
>> I WASN'T BIRD DOGGIN'.
THERE WAS NO ICE PATCH.
EVER SINCE MANNY SKERRITT TAUGHT
ME HOW TO PLEASURE MYSELF,
I'VE BEEN A MAN POSSESSED.
I HAVE GOTTEN SO CLOSE SO MANY
TIMES. BUT I JUST COULDN'T--
I JUST COULDN'T--I JUST COULDN'T
GET TO THE--YOU KNOW, I JUST
COULDN'T--I JUST WANTED TO GIVE
IT LITTLE BABY KISSES, THAT'S
ALL I WANTED. I DIDN'T ASK MUCH.
THEN WHAT HAPPENED? [SIGHS]
I FALL OF MY GODDAMN BED
AND I BREAK MY C2 VERTEBRAE.
I JUST WANT TO TASTE SOME
NECTAR, GUYS. THAT'S ALL I WANT.
CAN YOU MAKE THAT HAPPEN?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
>> * I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS,
AND ALL THE GIRLS LIKE ME *
>> SO, WE HAVE SOME SCARS FROM
HIS NECKBRACE THAT WE'LL HAVE TO
REVISE, AS WELL AS THE PENIS
ENLARGEMENT. AND I ALWAYS SAY,
START WITH THE HARD STUFF
FIRST. 15 BLADE.
>> A 15 BLADE? ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANT A PAPERCLIP?
I MEAN, LINDA, HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN ANYTHING THAT SMALL?
>> LOOKS LIKE 2 BLUEBERRIES
AND A COCKTAIL WEENIE.
>> HE DOESN'T NEED SURGERY.
HE NEEDS A MIRACLE.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST GONNA--[CLEARS THROAT]
DON'T NEED TO CAUSE ANYMORE
TROUBLE.
>> ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
HE'S THE ONE THAT CAUSED ALL
THE TROUBLE.
>> HE ALMOST COST YOU
YOUR LICENSE.
>> PRICK.
>> LITTLE PRICK.
>> DO YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE
ON YOU?
>> MM-HMM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> OH, JUST A LITTLE INSURANCE
POLICY JUST IN CASE MY FEE
ON THE SEAN McNAMARA STORY
DOESN'T QUITE COVER MY EXPENSES.
HEH, HERE WE GO.
>> [GIGGLING]
>> YEAH, NOW I CAN OFFER UP
A LITTLE BLACKMAIL OF MY OWN.
>> [LAUGHS]
HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT.
>> SORRY, NOT INTERESTED.
I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE ADVENTUROUS.
>> * I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS
AND ALL THE GIRLS LIKE ME,
I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS,
AND EVERY WOMAN, SEXY ME,
THEY TELL ME SO *
>> YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE PERFECT. HUH?
AND I LOVE YOU.
>> [WHISPERING]
>> I DO. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...
THAT EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU,
I DO...
>> [BABBLING]
>> I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
THERE'S SOMEBODY WHO WOULD GIVE
THEIR LIFE FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW?
[BELL RINGS]
>> CHRISTIAN, COME ON, GET OUT
OF HERE, WE HAVE A SHOOT TO DO.
>> AH.
>> HER LIPS ARE IMPECCABLE.
>> AND JUST THE RIGHT PLUMP.
>> [SIGHS]
[SNIFFS]
[JENNA CHATTERING]
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
>> WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE,
CHRISTIAN.
>> IT'S LOPSIDED, YOU SICK,
TWISTED BITCH.
>> I'VE HAD FILLER A THOUSAND
TIMES. IT JUST NEEDS TIME
TO SPREAD.
RIGHT?
>> [SIGHS]
GIVE ME THE GODDAMN NEEDLE.
SHE LOOKS DEFORMED.
>> [JENNA CHATTERING]
>> [SIGHS]
>> SEE, SHE'S NOT EVEN CRYING.
LIKE THEY SAID, WHEN YOU MIX IT
WITH LIDOCAINE, IT JUST FEELS
LIKE A KISS.
>> [SIGHS]
>> OH...
NOW YOU ARE PERFECT,
AREN'T YOU, SWEETIE?
>> BY THE TIME I TURN AROUND,
YOU BETTER BE GONE.
>> DON'T WORRY, GRANDPA.
YOUR REPUTATION'S SAFE,
I'LL TAKE THE FALL.
EVERYONE THINKS I'M A HORRIBLE
MOTHER ANYWAYS.